A Father’s Day Thought.
As I had been reflecting back on how close my daughter and I were throughout the early part of her life, I found myself feeling that our relationship had changed substantially over the past few years without any good reason as to why. I also found it difficult to understand how our relationship went from being one of unconditional love to one where even an occasional visit, if even granted at all, began lacking any resemblance of the previous loving relationship, and evolved to being filled with conditions. After reading input from former Grace Church members regarding pressures they encountered from church leader(s) that resulted in alienation of family members/relationships, I now understand that this may very well be what has happened in our situation.
While this knowledge gives me some clarity, it doesn’t give me much comfort. I feel that my daughter’s beliefs, perceptions, goals, etc. have been altered at a level that is totally out of alignment with those that she previously had. I no longer see the independent thinking, career minded individual that I would have expected to see given the high level of education that she sacrificed so much for and worked so hard to achieve.
I want my daughter back. I want her to have balance in her life. I want her to pursue her career. I want her to remember that we had and can still have a great relationship. I want her acceptance. I want her to really think about why these are not happening.
I want you to remember that when you were a toddler and it was Mother’s Day, and one of the first things you said was “Happy Mother’s Day Daddy”.
AS A DAD, I REMEMBER
-How excited I was when you arrived into this world and I looked into your eyes for the very first time.
-How I wished I could have figured out how to better ease your pain from baby colic when the only thing that seemed to help was holding you and walking you up and down the street at 10:00 PM during an unusually hot summer in 1983.
-How when you were old enough to talk, after a diaper change you looked up from the changing table and said “tonk-ooh-doddy” (thank you daddy).
-How worried I was that you would trip and fall down the stairs when you insisted on bringing your blanket (and as many stuffed animals as you could carry) with you on your way to your parents’ bed in the middle of the night.
-How as a toddler it didn’t work out so well when you tried to make friends with a bumble bee and you needed a little extra comforting to get over that one.
-I hope I can forget my disappointment in not experiencing or even knowing about the precious missed memories that I could be blessed with from your four little boys.